Forgiveness
This morning I read a blog post from Patheos.com on forgiveness it got me to thinking.
I readily forgave the person who rear ended me and cause me much suffering, but yet those who bounced me off a door while blind folded I am still pissed off at. WHY?
When I took the motorcycle endorsement class they devoted an entire section of the class to the statistics of riding. This biggest statistics covered were injury, permanent disability, and death rates. By the time of my accident I had been riding for close to 8 years. In the eight years I had been riding I knew many riders who had been hit; seen the injuries, held their hands in the hospital, and the like. I knew the risks. I wore the gear, because I knew it reduced the damage one would incur. In the riding world there are riders who have been down and there are riders who are going to go down. In other words it is an inevitable thing. Yet us crazy people still choose to get on that 2 wheeled contraption of death and mutilation. Well we never claimed to be like you.
So why does an incident that is now 2 years old still have the power to have me ranting in the car? Well for one, while it is accepted that magic is dangerous, there were the words "perfect love, perfect trust" thrown around. Perfect Love needs Perfect Trust and to have perfect trust you have to be at a point that you readily open yourself up knowing that the other(s) are not going to hurt you willfully. Willfully is the key. In any interaction there is a potential of hurting another, especially when one is enforcing one's boundaries. But part of Perfect Trust is knowing the others will respect your boundaries, no matter how silly, because they are important to you. And there is the reason that incident that while it created a minor injury still has the ability to have me ranting in the car.
They did not respect my boundaries. They did not respect me.
I said no to having the man who required a cane and only had a small percent of his heart working being responsible for me while blindfolded.
Why should I respect a people who willfully disrespected me? How can I take anything they taught me seriously? I can't. Roughly one and half years of learning trashed; literally everything thrown out. Research material discarded. Journals burnt. There is no other way with bad seed, except if it was literally bad seed then at least it could possibly serve a function as compost or food depending on what type of bad it was.
Why does it still bother me so? Other than an egregious waste of resources there really any long term permanent damage or well now there isn't. One of the greatest "hidden" blessings of the motorcycle accident was that some god some where deemed the sacrifice sufficient to release the energy forcible wielded to my soul causing an open wound that never stopped bleeding to dissipate, be removed, or other wise be gone.
Being bounced off a door by a seriously compromised person in a position that should never have happened still pisses me off because up until that night there was no clue that these people were not worth my name and definitely not worth my time. Is it possible that it was a one time fuck up? Yes, but until that night I had not been in ritual with these people either, so I really can't say and I am not inclined to find out now.
Note: between being bounced off a door and my predictable startle response I had a non displaced fracture in my hand.
I readily forgave the person who rear ended me and cause me much suffering, but yet those who bounced me off a door while blind folded I am still pissed off at. WHY?
When I took the motorcycle endorsement class they devoted an entire section of the class to the statistics of riding. This biggest statistics covered were injury, permanent disability, and death rates. By the time of my accident I had been riding for close to 8 years. In the eight years I had been riding I knew many riders who had been hit; seen the injuries, held their hands in the hospital, and the like. I knew the risks. I wore the gear, because I knew it reduced the damage one would incur. In the riding world there are riders who have been down and there are riders who are going to go down. In other words it is an inevitable thing. Yet us crazy people still choose to get on that 2 wheeled contraption of death and mutilation. Well we never claimed to be like you.
So why does an incident that is now 2 years old still have the power to have me ranting in the car? Well for one, while it is accepted that magic is dangerous, there were the words "perfect love, perfect trust" thrown around. Perfect Love needs Perfect Trust and to have perfect trust you have to be at a point that you readily open yourself up knowing that the other(s) are not going to hurt you willfully. Willfully is the key. In any interaction there is a potential of hurting another, especially when one is enforcing one's boundaries. But part of Perfect Trust is knowing the others will respect your boundaries, no matter how silly, because they are important to you. And there is the reason that incident that while it created a minor injury still has the ability to have me ranting in the car.
They did not respect my boundaries. They did not respect me.
I said no to having the man who required a cane and only had a small percent of his heart working being responsible for me while blindfolded.
Why should I respect a people who willfully disrespected me? How can I take anything they taught me seriously? I can't. Roughly one and half years of learning trashed; literally everything thrown out. Research material discarded. Journals burnt. There is no other way with bad seed, except if it was literally bad seed then at least it could possibly serve a function as compost or food depending on what type of bad it was.
Why does it still bother me so? Other than an egregious waste of resources there really any long term permanent damage or well now there isn't. One of the greatest "hidden" blessings of the motorcycle accident was that some god some where deemed the sacrifice sufficient to release the energy forcible wielded to my soul causing an open wound that never stopped bleeding to dissipate, be removed, or other wise be gone.
Being bounced off a door by a seriously compromised person in a position that should never have happened still pisses me off because up until that night there was no clue that these people were not worth my name and definitely not worth my time. Is it possible that it was a one time fuck up? Yes, but until that night I had not been in ritual with these people either, so I really can't say and I am not inclined to find out now.
Note: between being bounced off a door and my predictable startle response I had a non displaced fracture in my hand.
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